FemScout and Heavy's Super No Homo Love Squad
by Lilting Lithium
Summary: Through various shenanigans including but not limited to: Snuggles, accidental butt squeezes, and a strange hetero bromance, Heavy appoints himself as femScout's new big brother and earns them both a place in hell. Da. Starts as fluff then goes downhill oops.


**i wrote this at 4 am woops**

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"Kartridzhi… kuda…"

Scout let out an undignified snort when a sudden weight fell over her back, taking her from her slumber and rudely bringing her back to a somewhat conscious state. She stirred slightly but didn't open her eyes. She was warm and lying on something that her sleep stupid head told her was a friendly bear, which she agreed with whole-heartedly, nodding to herself against the bear's chest with what was probably a really dopey grin across her face. She shifted under the comfortable weight resting on her backbone and burrowed deeper into the mass, sinking contently into the warmth with a content exhale. She was distantly aware of rumbling snores somewhere above her that probably belonged to the friendly bear. She never new that bears could snore. _Neat._

The deep rumbling of snores against her cheek when she adjusted her head caused her to let out a noise dangerously close to a purr, and had she been in a more cognitive mindset would've hid her face in embarrassment. Her ear was pressed against Mr. Friendly Bear's chest in such a way that let her hear the slow inhales and exhales of breath from his lunges and his steady bear-heartbeat, which weren't quite lulling her back into full-on _Scout: sleep mode engaged_, but just a pleasant catnap. The placid rocking of the train made her feel like she was sinking into the firm, warm and cushiony surface beneath her.

Scout heard the low snoring stop for a moment, replaced by the sound of smacking lips as her snuggle buddy wiggled into a more comfortable position, grunting lightly when she kicked at him to make him stop messing up her cozy spot on top of him. The snoring continued once again, and she felt a second weight rest on her back as Mr. Friendly Bear snuggled her close for being a cute human. BFFs.

"Prekratit smeyat'sya…" The deep Russian voice of Heavy slurred somewhere in her near vicinity, "…na menya…"

She was about to tell Heavy to get the fuck out of her and her new best bro's cave when she was suddenly pulled tight into some sort of hug that felt like a blind, drunk, half-sentient dude trying to make a pass at her and her brain has started telling her that she probably wasn't snuggling with a friendly bear.

She makes an unhappy noise as she began to further waking up, feebly attempting to give the not-friendly-bear a small kick again, but the large body swiftly turned on its side and now she's a little spoon goddamnit.

"Man _stop_…" Scout made sure to drag out the _stop_ into an A-grade whine she'd mastered over the years. All she got in response where rumbly snores against her back.

She makes a noise that would put a teenager to shame as she begrudgingly opens her heavy eyelids. She could practically feel her hair sticking up every which way as she glanced around dumbly at the inside of the train car she'd fallen asleep on. She made eye contact with Medic, who was sitting on the opposite side with his ankle crossed over his knee and an amused expression on his face. It was the universal sign for: Some Shit's About to Happen.

Puffing a piece of hair from her face she ignored him in favor of slowly twisting her body around to identify her snuggle buddy that she realized she was sharing a large sweatshirt with. The change in position had her face squished against a meaty neck. She smelled vodka.

"Ah, jeez! Heavy what the hell—!" Her sentence turned into a embarrassing girlish scream as Heavy rolled them over onto the ground. They landed, thankfully Heavy underneath her, with a thud. The fat fuck was still asleep. The arms that were wrapped around her middle tightened and brought her closer and oh God ew their boobs are touching and Heavy has bigger boobs than her which is total bullshit because he's a dude okay that shouldn't be allowed who cares if they're just pecks _adsfbdngfdsAGSHDFG_.

She let out a battle cry before slapping at his chest with all her might while yelling her demands of release. Scout gave a sudden mortified squawk, face turning the color of raw meat as one giant hand found her butt and the other the back of her head as Heavy began to cradle her like a baby.

"UNFORGIVABLE! Bro-code _clearly_ states one shall never—"

"Shush mamin hvostik…" Heavy grumbled affectionately, blowing a raspberry against her neck and causing Scout to shriek with unabashed horror and Medic to snort into his hand.

"Doc, wh-what the hell is ya problem? I could use freakin' hand here!"

"Nein." He said simply with a small chuckle.

"Ya can't jus' leave me here in the clutches a' Sasquatch like dis, I'll freakin' die! He'll like roll over or some shit!" At this point Scout had worked her way into somewhat of a sitting position, forearms braced on his chest, neck straining against the sweater's head hole, and legs straddling his naval where his hands had moved and now had firm grip on her thigh and butt, squeezing once—

Son of a fuck.

"Scout _MAD_! Scout _SMASH_! _GET REVENGE ON—_ _FLAFLOGH—_!" She chocked herself on with head hole and then fell face first back down. Medic laughed into his shirtsleeve, struggling not to burst into maniacal or hysterical mirth as Scout grabbed Heavy and began to shake him.

"Man, Wake up!"

Amazingly enough, Heavy groaned and mumbled something, eventually cracking an eye open as he gave a swift yawn. He stared up at Scout in silence for a moment.

"Dobray Ootra Scout—"

"Don't you fuckin' dobo otro me you slimy—!"

"Why is little girl in Heavy's sweater with Heavy?"

"I dunno, why are Heavy's hands gettin' all grabby with my hot butt_?'_"

"What does Scout mean by—" Heavy looked down at his hands, which were indeed gettin' all grabby with Scout's hot butt. "Oh. Look at that..."

He let Scout crawl out of his sweatshirt before he stood up, offering a hand to the slouching girl on the floor. Scout grabbed his hand and allowed him to haul her up, noticing that it didn't take much effort, but that he grunted anyway.

"Okay, asshole," Scout huffed. "Don't act like it was a labor of Hercules or somethin'."

Scout picked up her crumples blanket on the ground and plopped back onto her seat, cocooning herself in it and staring at Medic who'd taken out a small book. Heavy sat down beside her, cripplingly the seat and probably making the entire train rocked a little. He regarded her with a thoughtful look as she sent him a sidelong glance.

"You remind me of little sister." Heavy said after a stretched silence.

"Yeah? Is it safe ta assume ya felt her butt up too?" He frowned at her, hesitating when he opened his mouth to speak.

"Nyet, nyet, no. Heavy was asleep, was accident." There was another lapse of silence, this one longer before Scout spoke.

"You seems like ya'd be a wicked older brother. Was never that way with mine. All we's ever did was fight." She crossed her arms with a stone face.

"Heavy can be good older brother."

What.

"What."

"Da!" He stood suddenly with unnecessary gusto, "Heavy will be _great _older brother!"

Heavy made a monster noise as he picked Scout up and threw her over his shoulder, blowing a raspberry into her stomach. Scout screamed.

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**Mamin hvostik = Mommy's tail – A child who follows his/her mother everywhere and doesn't like to be apart from them. **

**Kartridzhi… kuda… = Cartridges… where…**

**Prekratit smeyat'sya… na menya… = Stop laughing… at me…**


End file.
